Nicole Tasker Woods

You are shushing me and I do not know why. If it is pick-on-the-person-who-sits-next-to-you-at-work day, then let me jump right in (if you do not mind) and I will tell you to smile! Stop acting so grumpy all the time. You are not allowed to walk around in a funk until lunch time and then be all chipper as if you were not nasty earlier in the day. Don’t be bitter, reconsider!

Why do I get chastised for not doting over a colleague who is having personal issues? That is why they are personal! This is a place of business! I do not want you to know about my personal life so why do you insist on telling me about yours? If not just to get some sympathy. Are you that starved for attention at home that you weigh all your problems on the people you work with?

I am all about common courtesy, especially in the work place. But these two things are my biggest pet peeves and I hate that I continue to get crucified for being me–a sometimes loud, but fairly personal individual.

I do not have a green thumb. I tend to kill every plant that I care for. I either water it too much and everything droops, or I do not water it enough and the leaves dry up and fall off. My mother has amazing gardens at our home in New Hampshire and she is constantly telling me about a new bed she is making for wild flowers in the back yard or bulbs that she picked up that day. I bet if I had a yard where I could plant, care for and grow my own plants and flowers that I could really get then hang of it. But in California, it is hard to own land unless you are a ga-zillionaire.

The first plant/house-warming gift I got lasted about a month before it finally kicked the bucket. Then, the sellers had left a huge potted plant on the downstairs balcony so I watered it and cared for it and even removed some of the over-grown parts of the plant to other pots to enlarge the arrangement. But my interest in it lasted only a few months until I stopped watering it. But it is primarily cacti so I am certain it is coping just fine without my watering can.

Currently, I have three plants in my possession that live indoors with me and are all holding on for dear life.

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This is my new favorite word: chutzpah.

Pronounced *hooot-spaah*, it means gall, audacity and nerve. I read my horoscope today and it said that I would impress others with my chutzpah. That is pretty much a given with me and my stellar personality, but it is always nice to have others point it out.

People have memorable moments in their lives that they reflect upon, whether they be a happy memory, or something so sad that they cry even though it happened months or even years ago.

I got the call my Grammy died on a Friday morning, it was December 12th and Snow Patrol was playing on my car radio. When I fumbled my cell phone to retrieve the call, I knew but I didn’t know what it was about. When I saw my Mom was on the other end, I knew but I didn’t know why she was calling. It is like I was outside of myself watching my body move, my fingers tremble as they wrap around the phone. I listened to my own robotic responses for a minute and then a collision of emotions come like a wave over me and I am no longer outside of myself. I am crying.

Every time I heard “Crack the Shutters” by Snow Patrol I think about my Grammy. Not about the day she died, just about her. It is happy but somber at the same time. The lyrics to the song mean nothing, it just happened to be playing when I got the call.

I think that everyone has something like that in their lives, at one point or another, that pops up and it helps them to remember.

There are two ways to pronounce this nut: (PE *) CAN -or- (PE *) CAAAHN. One is the normal way and one is the hoity-toity way.

For instance, (PE *) CAN I go with you to the store? Sounds normal, right? Like every other person in the world.

Or, you can say it like you have a stick up your butt, (PE *) CAAAHN I join you for tea and strumpets while wearing my flowery hat?

I like the normal way because I do not like sounding like someone I am not. It is just a nut, not some rich, elegant delicacy that stuffy people enjoy eating with their pinkie in the air.

I think it has more to do with where you grew up. I am from the East coast and hints of my Boston accent do slip out now and then when something is “wicked good” or when we “go out on the town and get re-taaaaaded.” That could be why I call them (PE*) CANs and not (PE*) CAAAHNs.

Am I right?

I have posted the most unusual dog names, so here are the most unusual cat names. I am not much of a cat person, I do prefer dogs, but I love all animals and these names are just too darn cute…

1. Edward Scissorpaws
2. Sir Lix-a-lot
3. Optimus Prrrime
4. Buddah Pest
5. Snoop Kitty Kitty
6. Miss Fuzzbutt
7. 80 Bucks
8. Sparklemonkey
9. Rosie Posie Prozac
10. Toot Uncommon

I love watching American Idol, especially when it is down to 8-10 contestants and viewers have already picked a few of their favorites that they root for each week. But in the past two weeks, this show (filmed live) has gone over the allotted time and run over into the time slot for Fringe, which is another show we watch regularly and tivo. But because Idol goes over and Fringe is not live, it also goes over and if you do not set up your tivo to record the show after Fringe (in this case, the news) you will miss the last few minutes of Fringe.

For those of you who do not know, Fringe is a suspense, science/mystery drama on Fox and slightly mirrors the premise behind X-Files. So as you can imagine, missing the last few minutes of Fringe is a big deal… Do they catch the bad guy? Does the slime creature get away?  What about the creepy bald guy in the trench coat, what happens to him???

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The air is bland today
I get sleepy, eyes are droopy
Turn the radio up

 
Tuuuuuesday…
Aaaaaafternoon

 
I love that commercial
The announcer asks
As the music fades into the chorus

When was the last time you took your daughter
To the aquarium
On a Tuesday afternoon?

The little girl’s eyes are so big and bright
As she stares dreamily at the fish
A large turtle swims towards them and waves

The blues and greens of the aquatic life
So serene, peaceful…sleepy
Let’s change the station, shall we?
And try to stay awake ALL the way home

I find a song that I can scream the lyrics to
This will do…

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I’m lying
When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

 
Before I know it
I’m pulling up to our complex
Getting the mail
Still screaming along with the music
My neighbors think I’m nuts
But it is OK because now I have my second wind

 
Copyright © 2009 N.E. Tasker

You are cold, I know, that is why you creep closer and closer to me during the night. Now you are under the covers, but I do not mind. I like how you press your cold nose against the back of my calf and breathe out warm air. This is the last night of cold, I promise. Tomorrow night we will have a new, heavy quilt for the bed and we will be able to stretch out and be warm without being on top of each other.

Now you are standing up and you crawl towards me like you do Saturday mornings. But it is still dark and I can tell you are uncomfortable in the cold and quite confused. You lie on top of me and with one eye open, we stare at each other in the dark. You bury your nose underneath my pillow, close your eyes and start to breathe deep. I guess we will try sleeping this way for now.

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It is too early to wake, too early to feel this spent. Too early for Cali to be Ilac, too loud are her nails as they scratch up wooden stairs. Too many things to do to get ready to leave, not going to get caffeine soon enough. Too cold to be outside without a jacket, too warm in bed to want to rise. The sky is too dark, it must still be night. Too early in the week, is it Friday yet?

What is happening?

What is happening to me?

What is happening to me this time?

What is happening

To me

This time

Is a chance to open up

The prospect of trying something new

And totally off-the-wall-crazy.

It is one of those moments

When Microsoft Word

Does not automatically correct your spelling errors…

It is all up to you to remember “i” before “e”

Avoid, using too many, commas,

I used to be a victim of the comma

Instead of a pause, they were

A breath, a blink

The chomp of your teeth down on the trident

You’ve been chewing for 40 minutes.

Well, the smell of garlic is gone

The taste no longer lingers;

Slap on Aphrodite’s Pink Nightie

Slip into Chinese Laundry

And off you go

Copyright © 2009 N.E. Tasker

One of Cali’s Christmas presents last year was a green, rubber lightbulb, which she adores. It is hollow on the inside with an opening at the stem of the bulb making it a very versatile toy; on top of being very squishy and chewable, it also does a great crazy bounce, always flying in an undetermined direction.

Cali is so light on her feet when on our carpet that you never hear her footsteps as she approaches, instead you hear her hollow breath bouncing off the inside of the lightbulb’s walls as she trots all over the house with it in her mouth. She carries it by the stem, so the large bulb end sticks out the side of her mouth and she is always looking for it to be thrown.

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